Thoughts+Baltimore+Thanking.

November 30, 2009

Oh dear, it’s been a minute since I updated. Life has been such a whirlwind.

I was talking to my dear friend tonight about relationships and we discussed something that really resonated with me. People often define relationships as “serious” or “casual”, which has always kind of confused me because I don’t really understand someone just STATING “we are now in a serious relationship.” First of all, a “serious” relationship just sounds really boring and sort of like a job, where as I think a good, solid, lasting relationship is full of the fun and playfulness that is often associated with “casual” relationships. That being said, I’m not really a “casual” relationship kind of girl, whatever that means. I don’t want to go out with a bunch of random guys that I have mediocre feelings for, leaving me with nothing real to hold onto. At the same time, I don’t think the answer is seeking out “serious” relationships. I think the answer is to seek ones that are mutual. To me, what matters is being with someone who at the end of the day, looks at you the same way you look at them. It’s about being with someone who gives you as much as they take. It’s about being with someone who isn’t necessarily attached to your hip, but is always on your side.  I’ve grown so much as a person since I’ve been at CCM, and am learning more and more about who I am and what I want every single day. It feels good to have clarity and understanding about a topic that has been blurry to me for so long.

Baltimore was wonderful, as it always is. Fells point is just how I remember it, Mount Vernon is still home to BSA, Never On Sundays and the lighting of the monument. My old apartment is still sitting next to “B”, and Helen (my car) is still as noisy as ever. It’s comforting to have such familiarity in a place that means so much to me.

I am so TIRED from my trip, and so overwhelmed at everything that lies ahead of me in these next couple of weeks. I’m sorry if I’m light on the blogging due to being crushed under mounds of work.

I got really off track with my thanking duties, and wanted to go back for a moment to thank two people that really deserve it.

Botherini:

Betherini, you’re the love of my life. We are so different in so many ways, but you’ve only ever seen our differences as positive. Thank you for being one person that I know in my life would be there for me through anything, at any moment. Thank you for NEVER judging me. Thank you for always being so easy to talk to. Thank you for making me laugh harder than anyone I know. Thank you for letting me borrow your clothes even though I suck at returning them. Thank you for daydreaming about married life with me. Thank you for doing such embarrassing things with me that I can’t even post them on here, but will remember for the rest of my life. Thank you for being so patient. Thank you for being the most low matienience and yet reliable friend that I know. Thank you for being the kind of friend I can go weeks without talking to and it still feels like we never missed a beat. Thank you for being such a genuinely good hearted person. I love you<3

Mi Madre

Oh, Mama. Where would I be without you? Well, nowhere. Literally. You are the reason I am the person that I am today, and I cant thank you enough for always giving me everything I need. Thank you for teaching me how to be strong. Thank you for making my family a positive role in my life. Thank you for always trusting me. Thank you for allowing me to come to you with things many daughters can’t go to their own mothers about. Thank you for always making me a pocket to put my sandwiches in. Thank you for always going grocery shopping for us. Thank you for immediately comforting me in a bad situation just with your presence. Thank you for always financially and emotionally supporting me through everything I’ve ever endeavored. Thank you for always believing in me. Thank you for teaching me to be fearless about following my heart. Thank you for loving me no matter what mistakes I make. I love you ❤

I will try to add more of these to my next couple of updates, because there is SO much in this world to be thankful for. I hope that everyone out there is loving the holidays so far. I, for one, believe that miracles can happen at anytime, but ESPECIALLY during the holiday season. There is a renewing and hopeful feeling that I get every year around this time. I hope that anyone who reads this finds that in themselves during the holidays this year. I wish for everyone to feel hopeful, not defeated. As my fortune cookie once said, “Life doesn’t get better by chance, it gets better by change.” Reach out to the ones you love, to the ones you don’t like, to the ones you don’t know, and to the ones you’ve hurt. There’s no time like the holidays 🙂

Until next time…

-C

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In spirit of Thanksgiving this week I’m going to [try] to update once a day with something/someone that I’m grateful for. There are not enough days in the week to get to everyone and everything, so don’t think that it just stops there. The list goes on and on…

What I’m thankful for today:

My sister.

Oh sit. Remember when we were in preschool and I started crying because all of the big kids were making fun of Barney, and you told them to stop because I loved him? Or how I used to go join your class at Rising Stars because I would get homesick and being with my big sitter made me feel better? What would I do without you? No. Literally. What would I DO without you? You are my main source of fun, laughter, talking, venting, idiotic behavior.  You are my best friend. You’re the one I can go to without feeling any worries about judgement or lecturing (I knowww you can’t say the same for me, but I guess thats why we work 🙂 ) You have had to bear the brunt of my ramblings and venting more than anyone else and yet you still listen with open ears. I know your muscles are pretty puny but I have no doubts that you would at least attempt to kick some serious ass for me if you ever needed to. Thank you for always listening, for always caring, for teaching me that it’s okay to make mistakes and for not looking down on me when I do, for watching movies that I love and you hate, for letting me steal your clothes, for not getting mad when I stretch them out, for always boosting my self esteem, for being so genuine, and for being so brave. I love you :).

You Are What You Eat?

November 20, 2009

What I’m about to say probably won’t seem relevant to this picture above of a Happy Meal. But keep reading. I have a point that ties in.

I’ve learned something about myself. I don’t like change. Which is weird because I think for a really long time I thought that I did. Now, I feel like this could get misconstrued. It’s not that I don’t like NEW things. I love going to new places. I love meeting new people. I love trying new things, etc. But I LIKE stability. I like the people I surround myself with to be dependable.

The other day I was talking with Kate about how we both always get the same order every time we go to Chipotle. Not the same as each other, but we each get the same order for ourselves everytime. I know both of them to a T (as do the people who work there probably because we go there way too often.) This is a pattern for me. I have been ordering “Chicken Nuggets Ketchup and a drink” (except as I grew up it switched to Honey Mustard) from McDonalds ever since I can remember. Anyone who knows me would know what to order for me.  Thats the kind of person I am.

But then there are those other kinds of people. Who order something different everytime. You never know WHAT they’ll want, and even if they find something they really like, who knows if thats what they want next time? They’ll try a new sauce or a different side or a COMPLETELY different entree everytime they go to the same damn restaurant. When I used to go to Papermoon with James and Trevor, I was amazed at how many of the dishes on the menu Trevor had tried. And he STILL tries new things. If I go somewhere once and I get something that I really like, I typically will continue to get that everytime I go back. On occasion I will switch it up, but for the most part, no.

It’s not just food. I’m this way with smells as well. I’ve been wearing Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker since I was 16 and I refuse to switch even though I actually like the smell of a few other perfumes more. I feel some sort of tie to it. I feel like it deserves my loyalty. Trust me, I KNOW this makes me sound like a total looney tune, but I’m just being honest. Kate has about 10-15 different kinds of perfumes that she switches between wearing depending on her mood. I told her I thought she should pick one. She asked me why and I said “BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE!” How am I supposed to know what she smells like if she’s switchin it up all the time?! I love that people always say to me “Cait, I knew you were behind me because I could smell your perfume.” They know me.

I am Caitlin Page Brown, I wear Lovely perfume and order Chicken Nuggets from McDonalds. You can count on that.

I guess this is confusing even for me because there are some ways that I love things to be unpredictable. I like going on road trips and not booking hotels. In fact, my family has never booked a hotel in our lives. We just wait and see what happens. I like driving and not knowing where I’m headed. But those are EVENTS. Those are ADVENTURES. They aren’t people.

I think I’ll try tacos the next time I’m at Chipotle. I’ve always wanted to. And maaaaybe I’ll ask for a new perfume for Christmas.

Maybe.

-C

My Boyfriend.

November 19, 2009

Kate Daugherty. Where do I begin?

Kate plays many a role in my life here at UC. She goes to class with me, she eats with me, she “brush and chats” with me (brush and chat is what we call brushin’ our teeth and chattin’ before bed time), she whines with me, she shops with me, she counts down to Christmas with me, etc, etc. On top of all of this, she is also my boyfriend.

No, really.

Every single night when I am away at crew hating life, (for those of you who don’t know, “crew” is something I have to do as a requirement for school, where I am involved in the technical aspects of putting up a show at ungodly hours)  I hear my phone buzz in my pocket and a little smile spreads across my face. Because I know it’s my Kate a Late. She texts me every night with encouraging or sympathetic messages just to make me feel better. Tonight, my message read:

“Hello Darling, I hope you’re having a great start to your night. I miss you :)”

or sometimes they are as simple as:

“Dear Katie, I hope you are having a great night. Love, Late”

And I was even lucky enough to get a second one later that read:

“Right about now I’m sure you’re cursing the world…but just think about a week from right now you’ll be relaxing in Bmore!”

And on the HORRIFIC days where I have Lab hours and crew right afterwards, she texts me encouraging thoughts like:

“You’re done with shop! One down, one to go!”

You know what makes this so special? I don’t ask her to do any of this. Kate a Late just wants to give me a little boost. So she texts me nice thoughts. And brings me hot chocolate when she knows I’m having a bad day. And listens to me talk on and on and on about the same damn thing over and over but still pretends like it never gets old. In other words, she is the perfect man. Except for the one minor detail that she is, in fact, a woman.

Friends are the best. Just the other day when I was at crew (I’m there a lot), I texted Brynn because I hadn’t eaten all day long. You know what she did? She brought her cute little self all the way from the dorm to CCM to bring me A QUART of Chocolate Milk, Cheez It’s and Ritz Bits.

These ladies just make my heart sing. It’s so reassuring to have people in your life who do things for you just because. Do they get anything out of it? No. Do I ever beg them to do any of this? No. But they care. So they are there for me when I need them. And it’s the best :).

 

Until next time…

-C

 

 

Ladies and Gentleman…

There are exactly 37 days left until the most magical time of year. I can’t explain my excitement. The hot chocolate, the tunes, the family, the smiles, the cookies, the warm and fuzzy feelings, the chestnuts roastin’ on the open fire (except no one actually does that part.) BUT YOU GET THE POOIIINNTT. I’m so stinking antsy. One of my FAVORITE parts of Christmas is the decorations. I love sitting in my living room with a gleaming tree and hot chocolate in my hand with people I love while I grin my head off at all of the decorations and little Santa figurines scattering the joint. So I decided to look up some real Christmas room decorating ideas for you all to enjoy 🙂

 

Why do my Christmas cookies never look like that? 😦

 

And finally…what I really want for Christmas…

SO PRECIOUSSSSS.

 

Visit my page up top on “What I Like Right Now” to see a couple more Christmas ideas 🙂 I hope you’re all feeling the spirit. XOXO.

 

Until next time…

-C

 

No more settling for less.

November 17, 2009

My brain is cluttered. I need to release so much of what is in my head. I just feel like a big rain cloud that has absorbed way too much water. That sounds a lot more depressing than I mean for it to sound though.

I was feeling really overwhelmed late last night so I went into a practice room at 11pm and sang every song I could think of that I was relating to in that moment. Not to sound like a total cheese, but singing really helps me get in touch with what I’m feeling sometimes. I’m not sure why. Right after I sang I did my monologue for acting class, and it felt great because I had SO much running through my body. As stressed as I am about finding monologues for boards, I can’t help but be excited because I LOVE to do them. I love having that release. I NEED that release.

I’ve noticed so much this past year how hard it is for me to let myself get really angry at people. I don’t know why that scares me so much. I guess because I’ve always tried to be the one in my family to maintain peace and perspective. I rarely let myself fly off the handle. Sometimes I think thats what attracts me so much to some of the monologues I choose. I get to say what it is I really feel without being held accountable or feeling bad. But I have realized that I’ve spent so much time worrying about everyone else, trying to maintain peace and and trying not to lose their perspective because that would be “unfair” of me. But you know what I realized? When you are only looking out for other people’s feelings, no one is looking out for yours. Most people DON’T think in the moment “hey, ya know, this would really hurt this person that I care about so I’m not going to follow through with this.” Most people just think “hey. I want this right now.”  End of story. It’s so much I, I, I, ME, ME, ME. It’s so much selfishness. And I’ve noticed that I consistently get blind sighted by it because I don’t understand that way of thinking. I’m not saying I’m a saint because lord knows I have plenty of other problems, but this isn’t one of them. I’ve never had trouble putting myself in someone else’s shoes. I’ve never had trouble giving chances, or looking at the best in someone or giving you every benefit of the doubt. But words are just words. They are simple to say. You don’t HAVE to accept someone’s 20th apology if there is nothing being backed up with actions and it’s putting your feelings on the line. There IS a difference in being selfless, and just plain neglecting yourself and what is good for you. There IS a difference in being understanding of other people, and allowing them to disrespect you.  I think I have just recently discovered that line. Actually, discovered might not be the right word. I think I have just finally FACED it.

Life is too short. I want to make decisions that make me proud, not ashamed of myself. Of course this is easier said than done. But you have to start somewhere.

I hope I don’t sound preachy. I don’t mean to, I’m just learning a lot, and this is usually the place where I sort all this bizz out. But not to worry, I’m out of ramblings now. Thank you if you read all of this…<3

Until next time…

-C

New day, New blog.

November 14, 2009

Hello All,

I’ve decided to start a new blog on wordpress rather than continue on blogger. In short, wordpress is cuter. Call me shallow if you must.

I’ve been so busy that I have hardly had time to think lately, which is probably why I’m having trouble knowing what to say in my update. A part of me is grateful that I’ve been so busy because it keeps me focused on the things that I want to be focused on. Although I worry what potentially could sink in once I have a moment to sit still.

The other day in Movement class we started discussing what it is that makes us want to act. I think when I was 14 and about to go to BSA I thought that the only way I would be successful, and the only real goal I could have in my acting career was to be a famous actress who got paid millions of dollars to be in feature films opposite other multi million dollar actors. It’s crazy how much I’ve evolved into understanding that it doesn’t have to be that way, and that I don’t even want it to.  It’s times like THIS in my life that just reaffirm why I want to act. I just want to give people something to relate to, and to give myself the opportunity to put things I feel into words. When my mind is so jumbled with events the way that it is right now, there is something about opening up a play with a monologue that I can relate to, and say those words out loud that feels like such a load off of my shoulders. And giving that to someone else is so special.

I love surprises. And I hope I’m surprised by people. I’m trying not to let my faith dwindle, and honestly I don’t think it has deep down. I know that goodness and truth and honesty and devotion and all of that exists. What I’ve learned the most is that no matter what, always remember that “there is only one of you in all of time.” YOU are unique and amazing in your own individual way.  NEVER let someone else make you feel replacable or unimportant. Don’t forget your worth.

Until next time…

❤ C