I said last New Years that I was going to have an amazing year. Soo…what actually happened?

2009 was a  bit of a mixed bag for me. I had SO far to go, from where I was to where I wanted to be. Mentally, emotionally, and physically, I saw where I wanted to go, but I knew it would take time and it couldn’t happen overnight. And holy guacamole it sure didn’t. It has been a long and bumpy road this year.

That being said, that bumpy, hellacious, tumultuous road led me to the path that ultimately has given me peace. I started running, I was accepted into CCM where I’ve made amazing friends and have learned so much, and I feel better about myself than I have in…a very long time. Mentally and emotionally ( I would say physically as well, but with all of this holiday eating I’ve been doing I can’t say I don’t have a little bit of work to do!) I’m really, really proud of where I am now. I sort of get the feeling I’m making myself sound like I was headed for an asylum. I was not :). I’ve maintained my sanity for most of my life (kidding…) But I wasn’t proud of what I was doing or who I was being or the choices I was making. I’ve always felt strong and confident in myself as a person, and in that time, I felt the complete opposite. I didn’t respect myself. But now, I’m SO proud of how far I’ve come and how I turned things around. I’m proud because I did that on my own. Of course I had the support of my family and friends, but I saw myself going down a path that I knew I was going to regret, and I changed it. I didn’t have a crutch. I didn’t have anyone holding my hand the whole time or telling me how to get through, because they couldn’t. I had to figure it out.

I enrolled myself in acting classes. I got a job as a nanny. I woke up at 4am 5 days a week to work. I got groceries. I paid my bills. I applied to CCM, despite the judgement I got about it, because I knew I was going for the right reasons.

And finally, I got accepted.

 I’ve never really related to that line people say – “You only have yourself”, and I still don’t really feel like THAT is the way to live my life. I, of all people, want the support and stability that comes from knowing that I have one person in my life (aside from you, Mom ;)) that will support me and be there for me no matter what. I think of that often, which is why I’ve always had such a fascination with relationships and marriage (not to sound like a loon.) I read something the other day that said “Every woman should have at least one man in her life that would kill or die for her.” I thought that was interesting. But if there is anything that this year has taught me, it’s that you should never underestimate yourself and what you can do all on your own. I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been because I realized I didn’t have to live my life doubting myself or feeling hurt. We all have so much more control than we give ourselves credit for sometimes. I’m glad that I finally figured it out, just in time to start the new year off right.

And let me just say now: Ain’t NObody gonna ruin this year for me. 

Til next time…

-C

Merry Christmas :)

December 25, 2009

I love surprises. Who doesn’t? The problem is, I’m much too snoopy and curious to really allow myself to be surprised very often. I’m a peeker and a snooper and I get it from my mother. But on the occasions that I actually AM surprised, it’s so, so nice. Especially when these surprises come from a person, not from something tangible. Don’t get me wrong, I love being surprised with gifts, but  I love being surprised by gestures even more. 

This Christmas I was surprised by someone really important to me, and that in itself makes me so happy. Its an amazing feeling when someone does something for you that you wouldn’t ever expect. Because they do it all on their OWN. There is no hinting, no dropping clues. It’s just their own genuine want to do something for you. There is so much faith to be had in the people around us. No matter how things turn out for me, personally, I hope I will always preserve my faith in people.

This surprise  really brought me back to why I treasure Christmas so much.  Because it’s about love. Not just romantic love, but love for the people that you have in your life and the roles they play. I know people get stressed about present shopping and money and all of that, and it IS overwhelming at times, but the point is not what you buy, it’s that you took the time out of your day to find them something you knew they would love. You gave them something that you feel like they deserve, just for being themselves and for being in your life. 

It shouldn’t take a holiday for us to realize how good we have it, or to tell our loved ones that we love and appreciate them. It’s great that the holidays bring that out in us, but I think a great resolution for the new year is to try and appreciate the people in our lives as much as we can, every single day. I know that will be a resolution for me. 

Thank you, Mom for taking the time to buy me so many great gifts, for stressing yourself out all the time just to make sure I have what I need, for making a great Christmas dinner and for being such a loving and caring mother. I’m so lucky to have you 🙂

Merry Christmas, Everyone 🙂

Until next time…

-C

This probably won’t make sense to many people, so don’t feel obligated to read it.

It shouldn’t be hard to love someone, you know? Love isn’t something you demand. It’s just something you feel, and because you feel it, it rules the way you treat someone.

For a long time I told myself that I shouldn’t expect so much affection and love after being with someone for a long period of time. That “nobody acts like that  if they’ve been together past a certain point. ” But that’s just not true. Maybe for some people, and if you’re happy that way, then do whatever makes you happy. But for me, it’s not true. Yes, maybe the KIND of affection you receive changes, but the amount or willingness to give it doesn’t need to alter.  My favorite blog that I read (www.marriageconfessions.com) is about this woman (Katie) and this man (Chris), who started dating when they were 16, got married at 22, and are now 27 with a little baby. They have been together a LONG TIME, people! They still flood each others twitter pages with  simple things like “I miss you”, or “get on gchat so we can not work together :)” They don’t try to portray their relationship as perfect. One of the things I love about their blog the most is that they write about the rough patches just as much as the good stuff, which I find very healthy. But what doesn’t change over time is that they respect and love each other. And it shows.

Affectionate, and loving relationships DO exist past the first 6 months. I know it from seeing things like Katie and Chris’ blog, from seeing my Mom and Dave, and I know it because despite all of this that I’m saying,  I have felt that before too.

Once you have it so good and you know what it feels like for someone to really care about you, you can’t settle for anything less than that. And thank God. Thank God I’ve felt that before and I was so lucky, because I’ll never let myself settle.

I couldn’t tell you exactly when things changed, and at this point, it doesn’t matter. It’s sad and heartbreaking, the way that things turn out sometimes, especially when you don’t understand why. Especially when you feel like it could have been prevented. Especially when you put so much into it. But you can’t outsmart love, my friends. And I would never want to. I can honestly say that I have loved without holding back, and it gave me some amazing memories, and some amazing lessons. I’m lucky. And now it’s time to take those lessons into my future and remember what I deserve. I’ll get it. Don’t you worry.

Now what?

December 14, 2009

You know how there are tons of famous quotes and mottos that they say you should live by, but most of them completely contradict one another?  What the crap is that about? How are we supposed to know what to think when one quote is telling us “Forgive, but never forget” and other one is saying “Love as if you’ve never been hurt before.” Loving as if you’ve never been hurt before would essentially mean forgetting everything you’ve learned from past relationships/experiences…which is completely opposite of “Learn from your mistakes” I CANT LEARN/REMEMBER/FORGET ALL AT THE SAME TIME PEOPLE! Holy guacamole. Whats a girl to do?

Well, I don’t know what we SHOULD do, but I know what I do.

First…

I turn to these ladies.  I’ve found that if they don’t have the exact answer, they at least give me something to relate to. Seriously, I don’t think there is a single woman in this world that can’t relate to one of these women. And we can all relate to each of them at some points. We all have a Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha in us.

Second…

I get a second opinion. Auggie looks at things equally. She loves everyone. What a breath of fresh air. Plus she gives me kisses and cuddles.

Finally…

I take a deep breath and ask myself what it is I feel. What is it that I need?

The truth is I don’t think it’s possible to forget something significant in the past that happened to you. But there have definitely been major events in my past that at the time I could never see myself feeling matter of fact or detached from, and yet I’ve found that I do now. It’s not that I’ve forgotten them, I’ve just moved past them. When we learn from something, those lessons manifest themselves in our bodies, if we let them. We are changed by them, whether we know it or not. I think we just have to trust that’s enough. Trust that our bodies and hearts will be their own protectors, and our focus is learning how to let go. To be a sponge and just soak up what life gives us. As scary as it is sometimes (ok, a lot of times), I’d rather be a dirty, raggy, smelly sponge with holes all over it, than a pristine sponge that has never touched dirt or grime since the day it was sponge-i-fied.

If there is no potential to be hurt, there is no potential to be happy. Must remember that.

‘Til next time…

-C

Back to Good.

December 10, 2009

Everythings been moving way to fast
You thought that you found something that would last
And it passed

So if you find
That in your mind
You're putting up your guard

Trust me when
I say its not
Supposed to be this hard

Youll fall again
And it will feel so fast
And every single fear you thought would last
Will pass

-Back to Good by Jonathan Clay

I can't wait to see where this new year takes me <3

'Til next time...
-C

My Christmas List.

December 9, 2009

Welp. The time has come to make a Christmas list. And I decided to do so here in the blogosphere. Some of these will be actually be realistic wishes, some will be a far reach, and some will be “Get a grip, Caitlin” worthy. I’m sure you’ll be able to see the difference ;).

1) Nightgowns

Kate has all of these cutesy, silky creations that she sleeps in every night. She goes to bed looking like a princess. I make fun of her for it but it’s really only because I’m secretly jealous and wish I looked like that when I went to sleep.

2) Hunter Rainboots

Cincinasti is not known for it’s beautiful weather. I’m always wet here. These will keep me nice and toasty!

3) A house.

Anyone who knows me is fully aware that I have a little obsession with looking at real estate. I know this is really weird because I’m 19 years old and can barely afford to own my own toothbrush, let alone a piece of property, but a girl can dream, eh?

4) Slippers 🙂

5) Sarah Jessica Parker Perfume

I made a big deal in one of my older posts that I’ve been wearing nothing but Lovely perfume for 3 years and how I hate when people switch up their scent all the time because it makes me feel like I don’t know them. I also said I should try to branch out more. So here I am. I decided to not abandon my trusty perfume ENTIRELY, but instead am thinking of asking for a different perfume from The Lovely Collection by Sarah Jessica Parker. This is a really romantic scent that I’m excited to possibly try 🙂

Lastly…

6) Love ❤

Oh it’s clishe, I know. But the holidays are such a great time to be hopeful and excited for what love could offer you. You just never know what can happen today, tonight, or tomorrow.

On that note…this could be one of my favorite quotes of all time. I just read it earlier.

“To love anyone is to hope in them always. From the moment at which we begin to judge anyone, to limit our confidence in them, from the moment at which we identify them with what we know of them and so reduce them to that, we cease to love them and they cease to be able to become better. We should expect everything from everyone. We must dare to love in a world that does not know how to love.” -Charles DeFoucald

So true. I hope I can always live by this.

Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays 🙂

Until next time…

-C

The Luckiest.

December 8, 2009

Hi, all.

I’m about to head out for my very first Boards performance. For those of you who aren’t sure what that is, it’s where I (and the rest of my class) have to perform 2 monologues for a board of faculty and other students/upperclassmen to determine if we have made Satisfactory progress since classes started. That was only 10 weeks ago. I AM feeling nervous and excited and all of that, but mostly I feel lucky.

I got to watch the sophomores do their boards yesterday (AMAZING, by the way), and I just couldn’t help but smile the whole way through because I still can’t believe sometimes that I’m here. This place saved me. It brought me back to life. No matter what happens at boards, if I pass them with flying colors or fail miserably, I’m just glad I get to be here. I’m surrounded by people who really care about me. They care about how I’m doing. They write me Christmas cards and stop by my room just to say hi and talk. And really, what more could I ever ask for?

A new year is coming soon. I’m so glad that the end of my year has been able to be so positive, and I know that next year is going to be even more amazing. I decided. It will be fantastic and happy, and the only people in my life will be the people who are positive and encouraging to me, as I am to them. Life is too short to surround yourself with anything but love and respect, so smile, hug, laugh, love as much as you can.

Treat others the way you want to be treated. The golden rule. So simple. So true. I think if we all follow that, everything will work itself out.

Until next time…

-C

L O V E.

December 5, 2009

Christmas time is upon us, which means lots of gift giving and wishes. As exciting as it is to exchange gifts, it can also be stressful. Especially if you are in a relationship. So I decided to help all the clueless men out there and give a few gift ideas from a lady’s perspective.

Like I said…lady’s perspective. Therefore, you have to expect Tiffany’s to show up on this list…

I’ve been obsessed with this ring for a few months now. It’s so sweet and simple. Just the sight of it makes me warm and fuzzy. It’s also decently priced at only $100.00 (for Tiffany’s, that’s a deal!)

If you aren’t sure about the ring, there are also these PRECIOUS necklace charms that are simple locked hearts with “I love you” written in script. If you know that she already has a silver necklace chain, you can just buy her the charm to add to it :).

I’m also a total sucker for the snowflake charm…

This charm can be put on a bracelet, or they also have them as necklaces for $150.00

If you’re a little more budget conscious than Tiffany’s will allow, don’t fret! One of the best things a guy can do is to put some thought into an evening for just the two of you.

Buy her hot chocolate and take her ice skating.

If you feel like really reachin’ for the stars, they have come up with this amazing little miracle that allows you to relay messages to your loved ones via hot beverages…

How stinking cute is that? You can make this happen by visiting http://www.coffeestencil.com. Do it. It will buy you at least a week of  staying out of the dog house.

It means something to a girl when you actually take the time to make her something. Even if it’s just framing her favorite picture of the two of you. And please, boys, NEVER underestimate the power of a love letter. Because when you piss her off, she has that heartfelt piece of magic to look at and she just might remember why she loves you in the first place ;). Let me reiterate: LOVE.LETTER.GOOD.

Last but not least…

I know I’ve already mentioned this in my “What I Like Right Now” section, but seriously…

These are the cutest ornaments I’ve ever seen and SUCH a thoughtful and inexpensive gift. Don’t hesitate. Get out the scissors and construction paper. I don’t have instructions for you but I think you are all capable of figuring it out by the picture.

Okay, men. I hope you’re feeling enlightened or at least inspired. I have faith in you 🙂

Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays, everyone! I hope all of your wishes are coming true ❤

Until next time…

-C

P.S. If you decide to include ALL of these ideas (Tiffany’s jewelry, hot chocolate, ice skating, love letter, AND ornament…please let me know so I can plan our wedding A.S.A.P. Thanks.)