Oh, this is the start of something good…

December 29, 2009

I said last New Years that I was going to have an amazing year. Soo…what actually happened?

2009 was a  bit of a mixed bag for me. I had SO far to go, from where I was to where I wanted to be. Mentally, emotionally, and physically, I saw where I wanted to go, but I knew it would take time and it couldn’t happen overnight. And holy guacamole it sure didn’t. It has been a long and bumpy road this year.

That being said, that bumpy, hellacious, tumultuous road led me to the path that ultimately has given me peace. I started running, I was accepted into CCM where I’ve made amazing friends and have learned so much, and I feel better about myself than I have in…a very long time. Mentally and emotionally ( I would say physically as well, but with all of this holiday eating I’ve been doing I can’t say I don’t have a little bit of work to do!) I’m really, really proud of where I am now. I sort of get the feeling I’m making myself sound like I was headed for an asylum. I was not :). I’ve maintained my sanity for most of my life (kidding…) But I wasn’t proud of what I was doing or who I was being or the choices I was making. I’ve always felt strong and confident in myself as a person, and in that time, I felt the complete opposite. I didn’t respect myself. But now, I’m SO proud of how far I’ve come and how I turned things around. I’m proud because I did that on my own. Of course I had the support of my family and friends, but I saw myself going down a path that I knew I was going to regret, and I changed it. I didn’t have a crutch. I didn’t have anyone holding my hand the whole time or telling me how to get through, because they couldn’t. I had to figure it out.

I enrolled myself in acting classes. I got a job as a nanny. I woke up at 4am 5 days a week to work. I got groceries. I paid my bills. I applied to CCM, despite the judgement I got about it, because I knew I was going for the right reasons.

And finally, I got accepted.

 I’ve never really related to that line people say – “You only have yourself”, and I still don’t really feel like THAT is the way to live my life. I, of all people, want the support and stability that comes from knowing that I have one person in my life (aside from you, Mom ;)) that will support me and be there for me no matter what. I think of that often, which is why I’ve always had such a fascination with relationships and marriage (not to sound like a loon.) I read something the other day that said “Every woman should have at least one man in her life that would kill or die for her.” I thought that was interesting. But if there is anything that this year has taught me, it’s that you should never underestimate yourself and what you can do all on your own. I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been because I realized I didn’t have to live my life doubting myself or feeling hurt. We all have so much more control than we give ourselves credit for sometimes. I’m glad that I finally figured it out, just in time to start the new year off right.

And let me just say now: Ain’t NObody gonna ruin this year for me. 

Til next time…

-C

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