There are the times when you are smiling, beaming, laughing in love, and there are times that you’re crying and overwhelmed. You grow up and you learn to keep your feelings bound. Not to remove them in any sense, but to keep them “contained”, making sure they never “boil over” Why? Because you might get hurt. No one can guarentee that you won’t. But at the end of the day, whether you’re in one piece, or if you’ve completely fallen apart, you have to do what it takes to pick yourself up. Because if you don’t give yourself the potential to fall apart, you’ll never give yourself the potential to be completely whole. 

I’m learning that loving the second time around is a lot more complex than loving the first time. It’s not any less, but it’s different in certain ways. When you’re 16 years old and someone says they love you, you believe they will forever. And they probably believe that too. And they very well could. But even if they do, things evolve and you’re tested. Sometimes you fail, and sometimes you pass. But when you get the courage to retake your tests and put yourself on the line again, having someone on the other end to be there for you, to be patient and understanding of your fear and to acknowledge it, that’s when you know it’s worth it. 

And if you’re like me and are lucky enough to get to go through all of these tests with the same person that you fell in love with when you were just a little pipsqueak high school freshman who didn’t know squat? Well…that’s just peachy :).

‘Til next time…

-C

Advertisements

I said last New Years that I was going to have an amazing year. Soo…what actually happened?

2009 was a  bit of a mixed bag for me. I had SO far to go, from where I was to where I wanted to be. Mentally, emotionally, and physically, I saw where I wanted to go, but I knew it would take time and it couldn’t happen overnight. And holy guacamole it sure didn’t. It has been a long and bumpy road this year.

That being said, that bumpy, hellacious, tumultuous road led me to the path that ultimately has given me peace. I started running, I was accepted into CCM where I’ve made amazing friends and have learned so much, and I feel better about myself than I have in…a very long time. Mentally and emotionally ( I would say physically as well, but with all of this holiday eating I’ve been doing I can’t say I don’t have a little bit of work to do!) I’m really, really proud of where I am now. I sort of get the feeling I’m making myself sound like I was headed for an asylum. I was not :). I’ve maintained my sanity for most of my life (kidding…) But I wasn’t proud of what I was doing or who I was being or the choices I was making. I’ve always felt strong and confident in myself as a person, and in that time, I felt the complete opposite. I didn’t respect myself. But now, I’m SO proud of how far I’ve come and how I turned things around. I’m proud because I did that on my own. Of course I had the support of my family and friends, but I saw myself going down a path that I knew I was going to regret, and I changed it. I didn’t have a crutch. I didn’t have anyone holding my hand the whole time or telling me how to get through, because they couldn’t. I had to figure it out.

I enrolled myself in acting classes. I got a job as a nanny. I woke up at 4am 5 days a week to work. I got groceries. I paid my bills. I applied to CCM, despite the judgement I got about it, because I knew I was going for the right reasons.

And finally, I got accepted.

 I’ve never really related to that line people say – “You only have yourself”, and I still don’t really feel like THAT is the way to live my life. I, of all people, want the support and stability that comes from knowing that I have one person in my life (aside from you, Mom ;)) that will support me and be there for me no matter what. I think of that often, which is why I’ve always had such a fascination with relationships and marriage (not to sound like a loon.) I read something the other day that said “Every woman should have at least one man in her life that would kill or die for her.” I thought that was interesting. But if there is anything that this year has taught me, it’s that you should never underestimate yourself and what you can do all on your own. I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been because I realized I didn’t have to live my life doubting myself or feeling hurt. We all have so much more control than we give ourselves credit for sometimes. I’m glad that I finally figured it out, just in time to start the new year off right.

And let me just say now: Ain’t NObody gonna ruin this year for me. 

Til next time…

-C

This probably won’t make sense to many people, so don’t feel obligated to read it.

It shouldn’t be hard to love someone, you know? Love isn’t something you demand. It’s just something you feel, and because you feel it, it rules the way you treat someone.

For a long time I told myself that I shouldn’t expect so much affection and love after being with someone for a long period of time. That “nobody acts like that  if they’ve been together past a certain point. ” But that’s just not true. Maybe for some people, and if you’re happy that way, then do whatever makes you happy. But for me, it’s not true. Yes, maybe the KIND of affection you receive changes, but the amount or willingness to give it doesn’t need to alter.  My favorite blog that I read (www.marriageconfessions.com) is about this woman (Katie) and this man (Chris), who started dating when they were 16, got married at 22, and are now 27 with a little baby. They have been together a LONG TIME, people! They still flood each others twitter pages with  simple things like “I miss you”, or “get on gchat so we can not work together :)” They don’t try to portray their relationship as perfect. One of the things I love about their blog the most is that they write about the rough patches just as much as the good stuff, which I find very healthy. But what doesn’t change over time is that they respect and love each other. And it shows.

Affectionate, and loving relationships DO exist past the first 6 months. I know it from seeing things like Katie and Chris’ blog, from seeing my Mom and Dave, and I know it because despite all of this that I’m saying,  I have felt that before too.

Once you have it so good and you know what it feels like for someone to really care about you, you can’t settle for anything less than that. And thank God. Thank God I’ve felt that before and I was so lucky, because I’ll never let myself settle.

I couldn’t tell you exactly when things changed, and at this point, it doesn’t matter. It’s sad and heartbreaking, the way that things turn out sometimes, especially when you don’t understand why. Especially when you feel like it could have been prevented. Especially when you put so much into it. But you can’t outsmart love, my friends. And I would never want to. I can honestly say that I have loved without holding back, and it gave me some amazing memories, and some amazing lessons. I’m lucky. And now it’s time to take those lessons into my future and remember what I deserve. I’ll get it. Don’t you worry.

Now what?

December 14, 2009

You know how there are tons of famous quotes and mottos that they say you should live by, but most of them completely contradict one another?  What the crap is that about? How are we supposed to know what to think when one quote is telling us “Forgive, but never forget” and other one is saying “Love as if you’ve never been hurt before.” Loving as if you’ve never been hurt before would essentially mean forgetting everything you’ve learned from past relationships/experiences…which is completely opposite of “Learn from your mistakes” I CANT LEARN/REMEMBER/FORGET ALL AT THE SAME TIME PEOPLE! Holy guacamole. Whats a girl to do?

Well, I don’t know what we SHOULD do, but I know what I do.

First…

I turn to these ladies.  I’ve found that if they don’t have the exact answer, they at least give me something to relate to. Seriously, I don’t think there is a single woman in this world that can’t relate to one of these women. And we can all relate to each of them at some points. We all have a Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha in us.

Second…

I get a second opinion. Auggie looks at things equally. She loves everyone. What a breath of fresh air. Plus she gives me kisses and cuddles.

Finally…

I take a deep breath and ask myself what it is I feel. What is it that I need?

The truth is I don’t think it’s possible to forget something significant in the past that happened to you. But there have definitely been major events in my past that at the time I could never see myself feeling matter of fact or detached from, and yet I’ve found that I do now. It’s not that I’ve forgotten them, I’ve just moved past them. When we learn from something, those lessons manifest themselves in our bodies, if we let them. We are changed by them, whether we know it or not. I think we just have to trust that’s enough. Trust that our bodies and hearts will be their own protectors, and our focus is learning how to let go. To be a sponge and just soak up what life gives us. As scary as it is sometimes (ok, a lot of times), I’d rather be a dirty, raggy, smelly sponge with holes all over it, than a pristine sponge that has never touched dirt or grime since the day it was sponge-i-fied.

If there is no potential to be hurt, there is no potential to be happy. Must remember that.

‘Til next time…

-C