This probably won’t make sense to many people, so don’t feel obligated to read it.

It shouldn’t be hard to love someone, you know? Love isn’t something you demand. It’s just something you feel, and because you feel it, it rules the way you treat someone.

For a long time I told myself that I shouldn’t expect so much affection and love after being with someone for a long period of time. That “nobody acts like that  if they’ve been together past a certain point. ” But that’s just not true. Maybe for some people, and if you’re happy that way, then do whatever makes you happy. But for me, it’s not true. Yes, maybe the KIND of affection you receive changes, but the amount or willingness to give it doesn’t need to alter.  My favorite blog that I read (www.marriageconfessions.com) is about this woman (Katie) and this man (Chris), who started dating when they were 16, got married at 22, and are now 27 with a little baby. They have been together a LONG TIME, people! They still flood each others twitter pages with  simple things like “I miss you”, or “get on gchat so we can not work together :)” They don’t try to portray their relationship as perfect. One of the things I love about their blog the most is that they write about the rough patches just as much as the good stuff, which I find very healthy. But what doesn’t change over time is that they respect and love each other. And it shows.

Affectionate, and loving relationships DO exist past the first 6 months. I know it from seeing things like Katie and Chris’ blog, from seeing my Mom and Dave, and I know it because despite all of this that I’m saying,  I have felt that before too.

Once you have it so good and you know what it feels like for someone to really care about you, you can’t settle for anything less than that. And thank God. Thank God I’ve felt that before and I was so lucky, because I’ll never let myself settle.

I couldn’t tell you exactly when things changed, and at this point, it doesn’t matter. It’s sad and heartbreaking, the way that things turn out sometimes, especially when you don’t understand why. Especially when you feel like it could have been prevented. Especially when you put so much into it. But you can’t outsmart love, my friends. And I would never want to. I can honestly say that I have loved without holding back, and it gave me some amazing memories, and some amazing lessons. I’m lucky. And now it’s time to take those lessons into my future and remember what I deserve. I’ll get it. Don’t you worry.

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Now what?

December 14, 2009

You know how there are tons of famous quotes and mottos that they say you should live by, but most of them completely contradict one another?  What the crap is that about? How are we supposed to know what to think when one quote is telling us “Forgive, but never forget” and other one is saying “Love as if you’ve never been hurt before.” Loving as if you’ve never been hurt before would essentially mean forgetting everything you’ve learned from past relationships/experiences…which is completely opposite of “Learn from your mistakes” I CANT LEARN/REMEMBER/FORGET ALL AT THE SAME TIME PEOPLE! Holy guacamole. Whats a girl to do?

Well, I don’t know what we SHOULD do, but I know what I do.

First…

I turn to these ladies.  I’ve found that if they don’t have the exact answer, they at least give me something to relate to. Seriously, I don’t think there is a single woman in this world that can’t relate to one of these women. And we can all relate to each of them at some points. We all have a Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha in us.

Second…

I get a second opinion. Auggie looks at things equally. She loves everyone. What a breath of fresh air. Plus she gives me kisses and cuddles.

Finally…

I take a deep breath and ask myself what it is I feel. What is it that I need?

The truth is I don’t think it’s possible to forget something significant in the past that happened to you. But there have definitely been major events in my past that at the time I could never see myself feeling matter of fact or detached from, and yet I’ve found that I do now. It’s not that I’ve forgotten them, I’ve just moved past them. When we learn from something, those lessons manifest themselves in our bodies, if we let them. We are changed by them, whether we know it or not. I think we just have to trust that’s enough. Trust that our bodies and hearts will be their own protectors, and our focus is learning how to let go. To be a sponge and just soak up what life gives us. As scary as it is sometimes (ok, a lot of times), I’d rather be a dirty, raggy, smelly sponge with holes all over it, than a pristine sponge that has never touched dirt or grime since the day it was sponge-i-fied.

If there is no potential to be hurt, there is no potential to be happy. Must remember that.

‘Til next time…

-C

Back to Good.

December 10, 2009

Everythings been moving way to fast
You thought that you found something that would last
And it passed

So if you find
That in your mind
You're putting up your guard

Trust me when
I say its not
Supposed to be this hard

Youll fall again
And it will feel so fast
And every single fear you thought would last
Will pass

-Back to Good by Jonathan Clay

I can't wait to see where this new year takes me <3

'Til next time...
-C

My Christmas List.

December 9, 2009

Welp. The time has come to make a Christmas list. And I decided to do so here in the blogosphere. Some of these will be actually be realistic wishes, some will be a far reach, and some will be “Get a grip, Caitlin” worthy. I’m sure you’ll be able to see the difference ;).

1) Nightgowns

Kate has all of these cutesy, silky creations that she sleeps in every night. She goes to bed looking like a princess. I make fun of her for it but it’s really only because I’m secretly jealous and wish I looked like that when I went to sleep.

2) Hunter Rainboots

Cincinasti is not known for it’s beautiful weather. I’m always wet here. These will keep me nice and toasty!

3) A house.

Anyone who knows me is fully aware that I have a little obsession with looking at real estate. I know this is really weird because I’m 19 years old and can barely afford to own my own toothbrush, let alone a piece of property, but a girl can dream, eh?

4) Slippers 🙂

5) Sarah Jessica Parker Perfume

I made a big deal in one of my older posts that I’ve been wearing nothing but Lovely perfume for 3 years and how I hate when people switch up their scent all the time because it makes me feel like I don’t know them. I also said I should try to branch out more. So here I am. I decided to not abandon my trusty perfume ENTIRELY, but instead am thinking of asking for a different perfume from The Lovely Collection by Sarah Jessica Parker. This is a really romantic scent that I’m excited to possibly try 🙂

Lastly…

6) Love ❤

Oh it’s clishe, I know. But the holidays are such a great time to be hopeful and excited for what love could offer you. You just never know what can happen today, tonight, or tomorrow.

On that note…this could be one of my favorite quotes of all time. I just read it earlier.

“To love anyone is to hope in them always. From the moment at which we begin to judge anyone, to limit our confidence in them, from the moment at which we identify them with what we know of them and so reduce them to that, we cease to love them and they cease to be able to become better. We should expect everything from everyone. We must dare to love in a world that does not know how to love.” -Charles DeFoucald

So true. I hope I can always live by this.

Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays 🙂

Until next time…

-C

The Luckiest.

December 8, 2009

Hi, all.

I’m about to head out for my very first Boards performance. For those of you who aren’t sure what that is, it’s where I (and the rest of my class) have to perform 2 monologues for a board of faculty and other students/upperclassmen to determine if we have made Satisfactory progress since classes started. That was only 10 weeks ago. I AM feeling nervous and excited and all of that, but mostly I feel lucky.

I got to watch the sophomores do their boards yesterday (AMAZING, by the way), and I just couldn’t help but smile the whole way through because I still can’t believe sometimes that I’m here. This place saved me. It brought me back to life. No matter what happens at boards, if I pass them with flying colors or fail miserably, I’m just glad I get to be here. I’m surrounded by people who really care about me. They care about how I’m doing. They write me Christmas cards and stop by my room just to say hi and talk. And really, what more could I ever ask for?

A new year is coming soon. I’m so glad that the end of my year has been able to be so positive, and I know that next year is going to be even more amazing. I decided. It will be fantastic and happy, and the only people in my life will be the people who are positive and encouraging to me, as I am to them. Life is too short to surround yourself with anything but love and respect, so smile, hug, laugh, love as much as you can.

Treat others the way you want to be treated. The golden rule. So simple. So true. I think if we all follow that, everything will work itself out.

Until next time…

-C

L O V E.

December 5, 2009

Christmas time is upon us, which means lots of gift giving and wishes. As exciting as it is to exchange gifts, it can also be stressful. Especially if you are in a relationship. So I decided to help all the clueless men out there and give a few gift ideas from a lady’s perspective.

Like I said…lady’s perspective. Therefore, you have to expect Tiffany’s to show up on this list…

I’ve been obsessed with this ring for a few months now. It’s so sweet and simple. Just the sight of it makes me warm and fuzzy. It’s also decently priced at only $100.00 (for Tiffany’s, that’s a deal!)

If you aren’t sure about the ring, there are also these PRECIOUS necklace charms that are simple locked hearts with “I love you” written in script. If you know that she already has a silver necklace chain, you can just buy her the charm to add to it :).

I’m also a total sucker for the snowflake charm…

This charm can be put on a bracelet, or they also have them as necklaces for $150.00

If you’re a little more budget conscious than Tiffany’s will allow, don’t fret! One of the best things a guy can do is to put some thought into an evening for just the two of you.

Buy her hot chocolate and take her ice skating.

If you feel like really reachin’ for the stars, they have come up with this amazing little miracle that allows you to relay messages to your loved ones via hot beverages…

How stinking cute is that? You can make this happen by visiting http://www.coffeestencil.com. Do it. It will buy you at least a week of  staying out of the dog house.

It means something to a girl when you actually take the time to make her something. Even if it’s just framing her favorite picture of the two of you. And please, boys, NEVER underestimate the power of a love letter. Because when you piss her off, she has that heartfelt piece of magic to look at and she just might remember why she loves you in the first place ;). Let me reiterate: LOVE.LETTER.GOOD.

Last but not least…

I know I’ve already mentioned this in my “What I Like Right Now” section, but seriously…

These are the cutest ornaments I’ve ever seen and SUCH a thoughtful and inexpensive gift. Don’t hesitate. Get out the scissors and construction paper. I don’t have instructions for you but I think you are all capable of figuring it out by the picture.

Okay, men. I hope you’re feeling enlightened or at least inspired. I have faith in you 🙂

Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays, everyone! I hope all of your wishes are coming true ❤

Until next time…

-C

P.S. If you decide to include ALL of these ideas (Tiffany’s jewelry, hot chocolate, ice skating, love letter, AND ornament…please let me know so I can plan our wedding A.S.A.P. Thanks.)

Thoughts+Baltimore+Thanking.

November 30, 2009

Oh dear, it’s been a minute since I updated. Life has been such a whirlwind.

I was talking to my dear friend tonight about relationships and we discussed something that really resonated with me. People often define relationships as “serious” or “casual”, which has always kind of confused me because I don’t really understand someone just STATING “we are now in a serious relationship.” First of all, a “serious” relationship just sounds really boring and sort of like a job, where as I think a good, solid, lasting relationship is full of the fun and playfulness that is often associated with “casual” relationships. That being said, I’m not really a “casual” relationship kind of girl, whatever that means. I don’t want to go out with a bunch of random guys that I have mediocre feelings for, leaving me with nothing real to hold onto. At the same time, I don’t think the answer is seeking out “serious” relationships. I think the answer is to seek ones that are mutual. To me, what matters is being with someone who at the end of the day, looks at you the same way you look at them. It’s about being with someone who gives you as much as they take. It’s about being with someone who isn’t necessarily attached to your hip, but is always on your side.  I’ve grown so much as a person since I’ve been at CCM, and am learning more and more about who I am and what I want every single day. It feels good to have clarity and understanding about a topic that has been blurry to me for so long.

Baltimore was wonderful, as it always is. Fells point is just how I remember it, Mount Vernon is still home to BSA, Never On Sundays and the lighting of the monument. My old apartment is still sitting next to “B”, and Helen (my car) is still as noisy as ever. It’s comforting to have such familiarity in a place that means so much to me.

I am so TIRED from my trip, and so overwhelmed at everything that lies ahead of me in these next couple of weeks. I’m sorry if I’m light on the blogging due to being crushed under mounds of work.

I got really off track with my thanking duties, and wanted to go back for a moment to thank two people that really deserve it.

Botherini:

Betherini, you’re the love of my life. We are so different in so many ways, but you’ve only ever seen our differences as positive. Thank you for being one person that I know in my life would be there for me through anything, at any moment. Thank you for NEVER judging me. Thank you for always being so easy to talk to. Thank you for making me laugh harder than anyone I know. Thank you for letting me borrow your clothes even though I suck at returning them. Thank you for daydreaming about married life with me. Thank you for doing such embarrassing things with me that I can’t even post them on here, but will remember for the rest of my life. Thank you for being so patient. Thank you for being the most low matienience and yet reliable friend that I know. Thank you for being the kind of friend I can go weeks without talking to and it still feels like we never missed a beat. Thank you for being such a genuinely good hearted person. I love you<3

Mi Madre

Oh, Mama. Where would I be without you? Well, nowhere. Literally. You are the reason I am the person that I am today, and I cant thank you enough for always giving me everything I need. Thank you for teaching me how to be strong. Thank you for making my family a positive role in my life. Thank you for always trusting me. Thank you for allowing me to come to you with things many daughters can’t go to their own mothers about. Thank you for always making me a pocket to put my sandwiches in. Thank you for always going grocery shopping for us. Thank you for immediately comforting me in a bad situation just with your presence. Thank you for always financially and emotionally supporting me through everything I’ve ever endeavored. Thank you for always believing in me. Thank you for teaching me to be fearless about following my heart. Thank you for loving me no matter what mistakes I make. I love you ❤

I will try to add more of these to my next couple of updates, because there is SO much in this world to be thankful for. I hope that everyone out there is loving the holidays so far. I, for one, believe that miracles can happen at anytime, but ESPECIALLY during the holiday season. There is a renewing and hopeful feeling that I get every year around this time. I hope that anyone who reads this finds that in themselves during the holidays this year. I wish for everyone to feel hopeful, not defeated. As my fortune cookie once said, “Life doesn’t get better by chance, it gets better by change.” Reach out to the ones you love, to the ones you don’t like, to the ones you don’t know, and to the ones you’ve hurt. There’s no time like the holidays 🙂

Until next time…

-C

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In spirit of Thanksgiving this week I’m going to [try] to update once a day with something/someone that I’m grateful for. There are not enough days in the week to get to everyone and everything, so don’t think that it just stops there. The list goes on and on…

What I’m thankful for today:

My sister.

Oh sit. Remember when we were in preschool and I started crying because all of the big kids were making fun of Barney, and you told them to stop because I loved him? Or how I used to go join your class at Rising Stars because I would get homesick and being with my big sitter made me feel better? What would I do without you? No. Literally. What would I DO without you? You are my main source of fun, laughter, talking, venting, idiotic behavior.  You are my best friend. You’re the one I can go to without feeling any worries about judgement or lecturing (I knowww you can’t say the same for me, but I guess thats why we work 🙂 ) You have had to bear the brunt of my ramblings and venting more than anyone else and yet you still listen with open ears. I know your muscles are pretty puny but I have no doubts that you would at least attempt to kick some serious ass for me if you ever needed to. Thank you for always listening, for always caring, for teaching me that it’s okay to make mistakes and for not looking down on me when I do, for watching movies that I love and you hate, for letting me steal your clothes, for not getting mad when I stretch them out, for always boosting my self esteem, for being so genuine, and for being so brave. I love you :).

You Are What You Eat?

November 20, 2009

What I’m about to say probably won’t seem relevant to this picture above of a Happy Meal. But keep reading. I have a point that ties in.

I’ve learned something about myself. I don’t like change. Which is weird because I think for a really long time I thought that I did. Now, I feel like this could get misconstrued. It’s not that I don’t like NEW things. I love going to new places. I love meeting new people. I love trying new things, etc. But I LIKE stability. I like the people I surround myself with to be dependable.

The other day I was talking with Kate about how we both always get the same order every time we go to Chipotle. Not the same as each other, but we each get the same order for ourselves everytime. I know both of them to a T (as do the people who work there probably because we go there way too often.) This is a pattern for me. I have been ordering “Chicken Nuggets Ketchup and a drink” (except as I grew up it switched to Honey Mustard) from McDonalds ever since I can remember. Anyone who knows me would know what to order for me.  Thats the kind of person I am.

But then there are those other kinds of people. Who order something different everytime. You never know WHAT they’ll want, and even if they find something they really like, who knows if thats what they want next time? They’ll try a new sauce or a different side or a COMPLETELY different entree everytime they go to the same damn restaurant. When I used to go to Papermoon with James and Trevor, I was amazed at how many of the dishes on the menu Trevor had tried. And he STILL tries new things. If I go somewhere once and I get something that I really like, I typically will continue to get that everytime I go back. On occasion I will switch it up, but for the most part, no.

It’s not just food. I’m this way with smells as well. I’ve been wearing Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker since I was 16 and I refuse to switch even though I actually like the smell of a few other perfumes more. I feel some sort of tie to it. I feel like it deserves my loyalty. Trust me, I KNOW this makes me sound like a total looney tune, but I’m just being honest. Kate has about 10-15 different kinds of perfumes that she switches between wearing depending on her mood. I told her I thought she should pick one. She asked me why and I said “BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE!” How am I supposed to know what she smells like if she’s switchin it up all the time?! I love that people always say to me “Cait, I knew you were behind me because I could smell your perfume.” They know me.

I am Caitlin Page Brown, I wear Lovely perfume and order Chicken Nuggets from McDonalds. You can count on that.

I guess this is confusing even for me because there are some ways that I love things to be unpredictable. I like going on road trips and not booking hotels. In fact, my family has never booked a hotel in our lives. We just wait and see what happens. I like driving and not knowing where I’m headed. But those are EVENTS. Those are ADVENTURES. They aren’t people.

I think I’ll try tacos the next time I’m at Chipotle. I’ve always wanted to. And maaaaybe I’ll ask for a new perfume for Christmas.

Maybe.

-C